IVF & Infertility, Pursuit of Happiness

A Letter to My Boys

My Sweet Boys-

There’s a saying that I’ve used before and it goes like this: “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” I was sitting in the airport just months before you were born, waiting for a plane to take your dad and I on our last trip together before you joined us. As people started to arrive for the flight, I watched as the children flocked to the play gym in the middle of the airport walkway, running around, squealing, trying out every part of it: the slide, the monkey bars, the stairs up to the “castle”, the toys at the long table next to it. I watched and smiled, rubbing my belly and thinking of you two. That’s when this phrase came to mind.

I thought about it real hard, and about all of the things that I want to teach you boys, that I want to make sure that you know through and through. Then I decided to write you this letter. So that no matter what is going on in your life, no matter what obstacles you face, people you meet, places you discover, moments you create or choices you make, you will always have these words.

That day, on January 8th, 2016 when I sat in the airport thinking about that phrase, I made a vow to myself that I would never say that to either one of you. Because I vow to make sure that you know how much I love you. Even if I can’t put it into words, you will know because it will be a part of you. You will know whether near or far, whether you’re in my momma bear arms or in the arms of your soulmate some day, whether in good times or in bad, whether chasing your dreams or already living them. Your dad and I have loved you with every ounce of our being for so many days and so many nights. I’ve thought about you, hoped for you, planned adventures with you, watched you make waves of movement in my belly, imagined the way you would look, the way each of you would swim through this ocean of life as vibrant, loving and impactful happy souls.

You are our greatest accomplishment and our deepest joy, you are the smile on our faces. You are that twinkle that I see in your dad’s eyes every time he looks at my growing belly, that blissful grin he gives me when he puts his hand on each side and feels your kicks and jabs, the instant energy he gains as he looks at the woods behind the house and envisions all of the adventures you’ll have together, building forts and filling your lungs with the cool, fresh air of the outdoors doing “manly” things. You are the miracles that complete what I knew I was always destined to be: a teacher, a bedtime story reader, a soother of owies, a commander in chaos, a biggest fan, a lawmaker, a mess cleaner-upper, a companion in life, a “no” when you could get hurt, a zaney woman, whom you conveniently don’t recognize, showing you how to dance to the beat of your own drummer…a mom.

May you always feel and know this love. Because life, life has a way of sweeping you up sometimes. People, situations, habits, feelings, relationships, the unknown…they can be consuming and take the earth right out from under your feet and tumble you to and from, making your footing feel impossible to find. Only you can decide to chase the good or the bad that each of these has to offer. But my profound hope, is that this will be your reminder, your focal point to ground you. Your reminder that each of you, individually has something grand to offer this world. You are the only you there is and that alone is the start of a great and wonderful tale. Heck, within the short lives you’ve lived thus far you’ve already made it through being frozen and thawed! That right there is proof of your willpower, your strength, your vibrancy and your tenacity!

May you always remember that your brother is your best friend and your greatest ally. You will have moments when you downright despise each other, can’t stand each other and never want to talk to each other again. But at the end of the day, I hope you will overcome any differences you have so that you can laugh and be goofy together, share stories, memories and travels, lean on one another when times are tough, talk to each other about things you don’t want to talk to your dad and I about and ultimately, find solace and comfort just knowing that you’ve always got someone on your side. Your bond is something so special that before you were born, the nurses would check your heartbeats and often times they would be in sync, beating at the same rhythm.

May your heart be forever full of compassion, love and acceptance not only for others but, just as important, for yourself as well. May you take good notes from your dad, he is the finest man I’ve ever met or ever will. He’ll show you how to treat a lady, face adversity with class, grace and unwavering strength, live life to the fullest with crazy adventures and surprises around every corner, make others feel like they’re the most important person in the room, and he’ll show you how to run a business like nobody’s business. From me? May you learn that you should always take the time to look at each moment as if you were a kid again, at the silly wonders of life, learn how to laugh at yourself and dance when the rhythm hits you just right, love with your whole heart and deal with the consequences later, be you without question or doubt or shame and always give me a hug before you leave the house, even if you’re mad at me or don’t think it’s “cool”; the same rule applies to your dad as well.

May you forever know that my love for you is BIG, is wild, is without limits, is always around you! I can’t wait to see the great tale each of you will tell throughout your lives. I love you. I love you as much as you’ll ever know.

Your Momma

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